Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Pioneers knew a thing or two that we should learn

1. When your grandma tells you in your last month of pregnancy to aggressively rub and squeeze your nipples, listen and don't laugh or disregard. Have your husband do it for all I care. (Though I'm sure your grandma won't tell you that part)

2. Dogs listen to commands, not to manners. I'm not telling you to disrespect animals, but when you tell them to get down; they will. However, when you say thank you they will forget the down part and jump on you to try to figure out what thank you means.

3. After dinner, wait until the dishes are cleaned and put away before your cigarette. We really need to get back to the mentality of waiting for gratification. If you argue with me, I'll politely remind you that studies have been shown if you prolong your orgasm; it will be extraordinary.
        3a. Please do not read that last line as, "wait too long in between orgasms. That does NO ONE any good.
        3b. If you receive an extraordinary orgasm, do not think of a pig's 30 minute orgasm and get jealous feelings. It will ruin what you had. Pigs need some perk in their life. Deal with it and get over it.

4. Music can be a bad influence. When you sing MY BROWN EYED GIRL over and over, your blue eyed daughter will eventually feel insecure. She will then condenscendingly inform you that you have muddy eyes and can't see as well as her crystal blue eyes can.

5. Technology is for the ego; hard work is for the heart. A good heart and mind does not boast about hard work. Do not attract attention to your tribulations and your profits.
       5a. This really means to look at your facebook statuses. The majority of the posts I read have to do with, "omg, I have to do this and I hate it", or "I did this at the gym today!". Not one person cares.
               5.1 OK so one person cares... you. That's it. If you can't get "high" off of your own satisfaction then there is something wrong with you. This isn't about the occasional "I need a pick me up" post. It's about the habitual posters.

No comments:

Post a Comment